


MY FIRST AND LAST

by bbyutaeng



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-08 14:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15931952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyutaeng/pseuds/bbyutaeng
Summary: Taeyong told Jaehyun to let go.He did what he was told.But one other member did not.





	1. 제 1 장

He always sat there.

 

In that spot you took over.

 

He was always watching the sunset becoming one with the horizon. He watched with awe. He watched with amazement. You watched it with him when you were no longer busy with schedules or any sort of practice you had.

 

Times like that, you kept close to your chest. Especially moment where both of you shared your own stories. He shared his childhood, you did the same. His was uglier than yours but you paid no heed—you listened when he spoke, you cried when he cried.

 

You were there as his rock.

 

His gravity.

 

You were his reminder that he deserved all good.

 

It was a feat of yours, discussed the others one day when you were around and he was not. They wished they had that but you were the only one who had that fine silk in you words and softness in your voice.

 

It was what made you so loveable… and his boyfriend.

 

But one day… it vanished. Your smooth touch, your velvet voice. It all went dark when he spilt a story you would have never expected out of his lips.

 

 _Dementia_ , he said.

 

 _It's serious_ , he sighed.

 

 _A_ _nd_ _it’s_ _happening sooner than expected_ , he choked.

 

He started forgetting their schedule, their home, their company's whereabouts. It turned to the worse once: he forgot a member's name.

 

_I forgot who Minhyung was._

 

It took him seconds to remember what he forgot.

 

_It really does hit with a vengeance._

 

Now it took him days.

 

_I may even forget you._

 

He was slowly ridding of his own world without even wanting to.

 

He stood there. At the edge. The fear of heights forgotten but the want to spill tears was not. You could see his chest jittering, his body shaking; you felt cold. Like you could not control was what happening in front of you.

 

He wanted to run.

 

You said,  _please don't._

 

He needed to run.

 

You said,  _please don't leave me behind, hyung._

 

The next few days were torture. You watched him succumb to the illness he was diagnosed with. The others had no idea what was going on but you dare not say anything. Not even the managers knew what was going on.

 

_What’s wrong with him? We had a schedule but he didn’t show up._

 

_Hyung, we had a stage today... he didn’t show up and he promised._

 

You reminded him. And you watched him crumble.

 

_I’m losing them. I am losing all of them. I don’t want this to happen. Please make this stop._

 

_I will try my best to help you but this is your fight, hyung... I’ll be in your corner of the ring. I promise._

 

It was a cold night some time in December when the both of you needed the air after a fight with the other members. You aimed for the rooftop to get your mind off of things, unaware that time passed faster than expected.

 

The fight was immature... but necessary. Evidently, the others were kept in the dark with nothing but lies filling their minds and hearts. They had no idea they were losing a member—and they were losing him fast.

 

You could only keep a clutch on his hand for so long before you too, lose the one you loves.

 

_If I end up forgetting you... you have to let me go._

 

_You can’t ask me to do that—_

 

_I am not asking. I am telling you to let. Me. Go._

 

The man in question rested in your hold and became ice, freezing with the weather that threatened to drop a lot lower if they dared stayed longer. Your arms shifted, the cold pricking at his skin and caused him to groan.

 

You told him to wake up. He did.

 

Silence.

 

You told him to get back inside. He didn't.

 

Silence, once again.

 

That was when you experienced it first hand. Clearly, you did not expect it to happen. Though, with the way his body and demeanour seeped into a shadow, your heart clenched in your chest and your teeth gnawed on your lips.

 

_Who are you?_

 

 _Taeyong_ …  _it's me, Jaehyun_ , a pause.  _I'm… a friend._

 

He had lost his world without even wanting to.

 

Jaehyun had to let go.


	2. 제 2 장

You followed him without hesitation.

 

You were the last he had forgotten.

 

He begged you to stay though not with him... with the others.

 

You disagreed. You knew it was dangerous to have the other be left alone, having to rely on that sheet of paper in his pocket.

 

He needed a hand to hold. A shoulder to lean on. A body to hug.

 

You could not have Jaehyun be the soul to take care of Taeyong.

 

He left him.

 

He left him without hesitation.

 

Yes, you heard the sobs at day. Yes, you heard the screams at night.

 

But he shouldn’t have left Taeyong alone.

 

Even if he was begged to leave him alone. He should not have agreed.

 

Hyung, you need someone to take care of you.

 

_Listen to me. I will only be a burden—_

 

_Only someone who doesn’t love you would think you’re a burden._

 

You followed Taeyong.

 

You terminated your contracts without warning, the other members thinking they requested for a long hiatus. Little did they know the two of you had left for years.

 

You both did not run so far; you both decided to hang around in Jeju; the house was small, yet the happiness built within was gigantic.

 

What made your heart shiver in your chest was the memory of Taeyong forgetting who you were after a long while; you saw him desperately cling onto the one man who kept himself by his side—you. When his mind could not freeze the memory, his body remembered. His body remembered the same feeling he felt when with Jaehyun.

 

Love.

 

Yes, he fell in love with you. Your superior virus of happiness was overwhelming but warm. Your smile was soft yet bright. Your heart hidden but obvious. Your crush overwhelming but controllable. Obviously, you fell in love with the former pillar of NCT.

 

You were terribly jealous of the way Jaehyun had his love shared.

 

But you still could not help remembering the very words he spoke.

 

_I lost the love for him, Yukhei._

 

You could not tell Taeyong the truth. It would have devastated the man, especially when he was living through such a condition.

 

Despite the happy moments you tried to maintain, there were dark times: you kept him by your side but his mind still refused to keep you within its knots. You kept telling him over and over of who you are. The only method to keep him sane was of pictures, and those pictures of your life scattered along the walls of your house.

 

This battle for memory constantly occurred in your household; Taeyong, in the corner, pulled at his hair as he tried to keep you in his mind. You watched him crumble again and again, your heart straining as the sobs were still soaking your shirt.

 

Everything that you could control was what did not worry you. It was what you could not. You wanted to keep him by your side. You wanted to keep him safe.

 

Taeyong was not having it.

 

He kept disappearing. Needing to escape even though he knew he needed all the support and love he needed and deserved. But they both knew that Taeyong was the most stubborn—thinking for what he believes the others think he should be doing.

 

You reassured that you were going to stay with him for however long you both could last. You were determined to not let this man in your arms slip past your grasp. You would still wrap your arms around his lithe frame when he could not.

 

Unlike Jaehyun.

 

The man’s image flashed in your mind over and over—like as if it was a haunting past that was threatening to rise to the surface after years.

 

Your hand remained in his hold, his own warm seeping into your skin as the both watch the sun sink into the sea that rolled over your feet. The salty air danced, the soft sand waltz.

 

You squeezed his hand tight _,_ your warm fingers twining his own. _I can’t let you go._

 

_Don’t let me go._

 

_Please don’t erase me from your life._

_Don’t erase me from yours._

 

The words ‘I promise’ hung in the air, suffocating you as you knew it was inevitable. Time and memory were fickle things that could not be controlled.

 

But happiness? It could be... since you were in love with dear Taeyong.


	3. 제 3 장

You wondered if it was worth it.

 

To wait for the bad to come.

 

You had stood there, on the same rooftop, staring out in the open. Just when

 

You genuinely forgot why you were there. You purposefully left so early in the morn, even before the others could imagine being awake at such a time. However, one had noticed your need of the only disappearance: him. You could not get yourself to stay away. Or even fathom the thought of being away.

 

Or that was at least what you thought had happened.

 

Clearly, you have had it.

 

You needed to run and you did.

 

You terminated your contract without warning.

 

You stayed away for years.

 

But one day, you both made the mistake of running out of the dark and into the light.

 

It was a simple walk around the island, accompanied by the friend whom had been your companion since you ran off. You did not plan to go anywhere but that companion dragged you out of your hole and ever since the illness settled, you had the habit of walking off—alone and without that companion of yours.

 

Somewhen in between, the crowd grew fast. You definitely lost your companion—you were about to have a panic attack. Your vision swam and your heart pounded against your chest, you could not think—you never had been this lost before.

 

You were so lost within your problems that you did not even realise you ran straight into a crowd of similar age. You yelped in surprise, spluttering your apologies but what caught you off-guard was not the arms around your waist but the familiarity of the face the man was born with.

 

He bumped into you.

 

He shared eye-contact with you.

 

The same brown eyes you fell in love with shone. You had fallen in love with.

 

_Hyung?_

 

You could not help but stare. The man holding you close seemed so utterly familiar—your mind did not recall but your body did; your heart hammered against your sternum, and your skin prickled when his fingers littered fire in their wake.

 

_Taeyong?_

 

You felt your companion placing his hand on your shoulder, giving you a look that screamed worry as he called out to you. As a response, you smiled up at him, shaking your head (nothing is wrong, don’t worry) before apologetically bowing towards the other whom you had bumped into.

 

 _Why is he behaving like this? Does he not know who we are?_ You heard from somewhere—however, the most expected person (you) was not fazed, only your companion took it to heart.

 

You witnessed him jerk in surprise when a member of the crowd has spoke and when he finally realised just who you had bumped into; his hand still atop your shoulder but his fingers squeezed your shoulder.

 

_Haechan, please._

_I am so sorry,_ your companion spoke _, but we’re in a hurry._

 

Your companion’s touch... was warm despite the panic you felt in his hold. His grip was not hot like the other male’s; it was not the type to leave a trail of lava across his skin. You yearned for the warmth and not the fire you felt; your hand reaching out to grasp your companion’s own. You felt him reach out in return but that was when your companion was stopped.

 

When you lifted your head once more, you could see the sheer hatred in the other’s eyes that shrieked, and your companion could only suck in a breath that could’ve meant one thing: prepare yourself.

 

 _You left without a word_ , the other had said—if not growled, _you left with him without telling me. Or any of us._

_There was no way I could say anything—_

_I was the only one who knew about his—_

_I knew what happened the moment—!_

_He was mine, Yukhei!_

 

You could only hide behind the figure that stood a head taller than you. Your body remembered the fights when you could not; you shook, hands unconsciously grabbing at Yukhei’s arms. You couldn’t breathe nor could you think.

 

You couldn’t remember any of that at all. Was the man really in love with you? Sure, your heart remembered but the feeling disappeared after your companion had cut himself through the moment.

 

 _Yeah, sure. You loved him but you had let him go,_ Yukhei dared to remind the other who stood before him. _You. Left. Him, and I did not. Your love for him died, mine did not. You ought to go back to Youngho hyung, you seem so much happier with someone you still love._

 

In all the years you spent with your companion, you had never seen him as angry as he was; his temperature rose and his lungs brought in more air than usual.

 

He was seething.

 

 _Don’t even think that I have forgotten what you told me, Jaehyun._ Yukhei paused, _I will carry that memory for as long as I possibly can._

_Yukhei—_

_Don’t ‘Yukhei’ me and possibly think you can turn back time. You lost your chance when you took advantage over Taeyong’s suffering and moved onto Youngho._

 

You could feel the anger seep into your skin as you tried to calm him down.

 

 _Did you tell them about it?_ Yukhei tilted his chin as his point to the others around him, _that you very well knew and did not tell us. I found out for myself when Taeyong planned to run. You should’ve been the one to stay by his side but you chose Youngho._

 

 _Yukhei, please._ Your eyes were squeezed tight.

 

_You never loved him. You only knew I fell in love with him ever since. I don’t know what I even did to begin with._

_YUKHEI, THAT IS ENOUGH!_

 

Never had you screamed to the top of your lungs like that. Never had you dug your nails so deep into his skin with an anger you never knew you had.

 

 _That is enough,_ you repeated one last time, eyes flickering back and forth from lover to stranger. _You know who they are and you know what they are. We do not need to make a stupid scene out of this._

_But, Taeyong—_

_Let’s go home, Yukhei. I don’t think my body can take this much stress any longer._

 

At that moment, before you turned around to head on back home, you allowed your eyes to travel and rest on the pack of unfamiliar yet familiar men, especially the one in the centre.

 

 _Don’t attempt to find us with any means that you have in your sleeve,_ you murmured, _and don’t any of you dare to attempt hurting Yukhei. Whoever I am to you all, I am no longer that person._

_Hyung—_

_Leave me alone, please,_ your voice shifted louder as your vision took the one man your body recognised into picture. _If I had told you to stay away, to let me go, then don’t bother. I’m fine with Yukhei. In fact, I think I’m better off with him._

 

Said man took that as his queue to drag you back home.

 

_I am so sorry you all had to lose the person you knew._

_We did not just know you, hyung,_ the boy named Haechan spoke up, calling out as you moved further away. _We respected you as our home and leader._


End file.
